Month: March 2018

Buddha, M.D.

Our society has seen a big shift towards the appreciation and practice of spirituality. In seemingly all corners of life, from diets to religion to exercise, there has been an incorporation of eastern ideas about meditation and yoga into the mainstream.

Medicine has not avoided this trend, particularly in training doctors to avoid burnout, the process by which doctors become disillusioned, cynical, and depressed.  This topic is usually addressed in the form of a lecture, where speakers identify ways to self soothe, stay active, eat well, and make time for hobbies. However, they also usually include bits on mindfulness and meditation as a way to have equanimity in the face of stress.

I wonder what it would be like if most doctors, through extensive meditation training, really did gain enlightenment.

 

Scenario 1 – Stomach Pain

PATIENT: Hi doc.

DOCTOR: Blessings, child. What brings your light into the presence of my light today?

PATIENT: Well, I’ve got this pain in my side that started suddenly, which is why I came on such short notice. I’ve been vomiting and I think I have a fever too.

DOCTOR: All suffering stems from desire.

PATIENT: …OK, well, I desire to have this pain stop. It really hurts.

DOCTOR: Afflictions of the body portend afflictions of the mind. Pain is but a mere input into the brain. We create suffering by the negative interpretation of  pain.

PATIENT: You’re saying this is all in my head?

DOCTOR: That is all that can ever be said of anything.

PATIENT: I’m going to get a second opinion. This is ridiculous.

DOCTOR: You can run from your problems, but eventually you will realize you are lost in thought. When you are ready, I will train you to focus your attention. Only then can you truly be free.

PATIENT: I’m going to puke.

DOCTOR: Breattheeee.

PATIENT: *vomits*

 

Scenario 2 – The Physical Exam

DOCTOR: Welcome to physical exam rounds, everyone. We’ll start with Ms. Jones, in bed 4. Hi, Ms. Jones!

PATIENT: Hi, doc.

DOCTOR: Alright everyone, so even before we begin our examination, notice that her aura is off. It’s a pale, hazy amber. No bueno. We usually like to see our patients with either a rich, bright blue or a deep purple.

STUDENT: I don’t see anything.

DOCTOR: And you won’t, at first. Some of these maneuvers will take years to fully master.

PATIENT: You’re seeing red around me? Like blood?

DOCTOR: Nothing to worry about, dear. Just using some doctor-talk here, we’ll break everything down for you once I’ve finished the exam.

PATIENT: OK.

DOCTOR: Alright, ma’am, open your palms for me?

PATIENT: *opens palms*

DOCTOR: I feel for her vital life flow through her palm lines with two fingers, like so. Now, I’m not going to get technical here, you can all refer to Harrison’s for the advanced stuff, so for now we’ll keep it basic. Life Line, Head Line, Heart Line. At your level of training, you’ll be expected to locate these consistently. Watch my motions.

STUDENT: This is in Harrison’s?

DOCTOR: Quiet, please. I need my full concentration for this.

PATIENT: How’s it looking, doctor?

DOCTOR: *to patient* Just fine, dear.

DOCTOR: *to the students* So, everyone, it looks horrible. Real thready lines here, very weak qi pulsations. She’s heading towards a major accident soon, weeks I’d say.

PATIENT: WHAT?

DOCTOR: Just doc-lingo ma’am, I know it sounds scary but it’s a lot of mumbo-jumbo. Everything’s going to be fine. Alright, class, we’ll end by astrally projecting our mind into hers, do a mental checkup.

PATIENT: Is that safe?

DOCTOR: I’m not going to let these learners try it, but with me, yes, it’s safe. OK, so everyone, I take a deep breath, and focus on unlocking and merging with her sub-conscience. Don’t be alarmed if you can’t get it at first, it took me years of training to be able to do what you’re about to see.

*The doctor closes his eyes and furrows his brow. His concentration intensifies gradually. He begins rocking back and forth, then stops moving altogether for a full minute*

STUDENT: …..

PATIENT: ……

DOCTOR: Alright, done!

DOCTOR: *to patient* Everything looks great in there, ma’am.

DOCTOR: *to students* Questions?

 

Scenario 3 – Detailed History

DOCTOR: OK, so just going to run through some basic questions here.

PATIENT: Sure.

DOCTOR: Any drug use?

PATIENT: Nope.

DOCTOR: Any alcohol use?

PATIENT: Not much, just socially.

DOCTOR: Prior surgeries?

PATIENT: None.

DOCTOR: OK, how’s your alignment been recently?

PATIENT: Huh?

DOCTOR: Your energy centers – have the chakras been in full alignment recently, or do you feel that there’s a center of discord blocking full flow.

PATIENT: Uhh what? Flow? I mean, it’s been a bit more difficult to urinate recently…

DOCTOR: I’m not a urologist, sir. Please, allow me to continue. Spiritually speaking, your alignment you’d say has been OK?

PATIENT: Yeah, sure.

DOCTOR: Scale of 1-10? 1 being utter desolation of the soul, 10 being Buddha, how would you rate your alignment right now.

PATIENT: Probably like a 6.

DOCTOR: *scribbles in notepad* Hmm. Not great.

PATIENT: …

DOCTOR: OK, how whole have you been feeling recently?

PATIENT: Very?

DOCTOR: You’re basically feeling centered? One with yourself, your consciousness, your community, and the universe? A sense that the threads of light that comprise your being are inexplicably linked with the fabric of reality? That you aren’t in the universe, but that you are the universe? That this flickering, fleeting, dancing moment that is now is all that we can ever have? That, fundamentally, we are from the cosmos, and will return to it one day, and that embracing this fact will help to overcome your suffering? That to live is a joy beyond joys, and a sorrow beyond sorrows, and it’s the duality of this paradox that powers the beautiful, absurd, terrifying journey called life?

PATIENT: ……..sure.

DOCTOR: Great. See you in 3 months. I’ll send your meds to the CVS on Greenbriar.